A Wicked Stepmother Declares War
Where to start…this weekend has been enlightening, upsetting, disheartening and a bit uplifting.
Friday was another mini D-Day for the Lad. I made some calls and did some research and found him a couple fo different resources that would help him with aptitude testing and placement. I was actually very excited about some of the information. It seemed like the perfect solution to the Lad problem – he always says he wants to do something, but he doesn’t know what.
In keeping with my overall plan of the deadline on September 22 and cutting off all of the typical avenue’s the Lad takes (ie complaining to mommy and sissy), I called Mrs. X, the Smile Fuck Queen, to give her the run-down. She actually sounded pretty happy about my ideas. Hubba was equally excited and actually thankful for my work. All and all, I felt positive.
The Lad was busy filling Taco’s during the day, but when he returned at 5:30, hubba grabbed him on the way to the shower, stating he needed to talk to him. I chimed in “I get you next Lad.” Hubba explained he wanted all of us to talk about my info. Lad was aggravated before we started. It went something like this:
”Did you have a chance to call the school this week?” I asked
“No, it is too late to register anyway.” snotty, snotty, snotty
“actually it isn’t, you have three days left, but whatever, you have opted not to go to school and that is cool. Your other option is getting a full-time job.” I kept my voice even.
Bowing up, the Lad began to raise his voice “what are you talking about? Nobody said anything about a full-time job. I don’t…”
“He is getting defensive” hubba chimed in, “Just Listen.”
“Lad, you opted not to register for classes, you can’t work at Taco Bell for the rest of your life, so I just want to talk to you about some resources here.” I explained.
‘Whatever..”
“Well, the college offers an assessment. They have a three-part test, with an interview, once you are done, they will have a list of 10 jobs that might be a good fit for you.” I explained, showing him a hand written note with the details. “There is a fee, but I can’t remember what it is, I do know that I can pay for it so when you call to make an appointment, ask what the fee is and let me know.” I actually know what the fee is, but more about that later.
“I don’t have time to..” he interrupts
“These are just options for you. Whatever you decide to do, it’s up to you. The second resource is one town over. It is all free. They do testing, offer workshops in a bunch of stuff like how to interview, how to do a resume and stuff like that. I spent 30 minutes on the phone with the manager. He is actually looking for someone to work 20 hours a week and man the desk there. It would be perfect – and give you access to a ton of resources, so when you go in, and you should just go in, ask for Joe and give them your name and then…” I am really just reading off the notes I wrote out for him.
“That job is so mine.” Not with your language skills it isn’t
“Well, that may or may not be true, but the important thing is taking advantage of some of these resources.” I explained.
He talked to hubba for a bit longer, then hopped into the shower. This whole exchange was odd to me and I’ll tell you why. Hubba supposedly told the Lad that if he didn’t register for classes or get a full-time job he had to go. My question is this: why the hell was the Lad so surprised?
After the Lad left, I went out and talked to Hubba, asking him very simply, “What was all that crap about not getting a job about?” Hubba didn’t have a great answer for this, but I left it…for the time being.
Shortly afterwards, I received a phone call from Mrs. X, Queen of the Smile Fuck. She informed me that the Lad had called her and actually sounded excited. Then I was treated to the world according to Mrs. X…Apparently I have finally figured out how to talk to the Lad. She did explain to him that if he wants to work at Taco Bell for the rest of his life, that is fine with her, but as a favor to her could he please go do that testing? A favor to WHO? That would be me. She isn’t pushing him to better himself, she isn’t the one trying to develop guidelines for him…that would be MOI.
When I got off the phone, I was steamed, and I threw a temper tantrum, basically yelling about how she isn’t helping. She isn’t pushing him, for every step I try to take with him she effectively cuts off my balls (which I know I don’t have, but you know what I mean). Hubba was really good and listened and together we figured out that Mrs. X, Queen of the Smile Fuck, has been informed by the Girl about our plan for getting the Lad out of here.
Fast forward, Mrs. X, Queen of the Smile Fuck, asked me if we would take A, my hubba’s granddaughter by the girl Sunday afternoon for 3 hours. Mrs. X watches her every weekend and had some plans late on Sunday, but before the Girl got off work. I said sure, of course, we love having her. She is 1 1/2. Anywho, A get’s dropped off, and Hubba, the Little Guy, Me and A play and eat and laugh and stuff. A is a pretty good girl, but not stimulated enough. The kind of kid who thrives with attention and learns quickly – but only if someone is teaching her. At her age, the Little Guy knew all his body parts, his colors, shapes..that kinda thing. Today was the first time I got her to show me a nose. She also had pretty bad diaper rash – not enough to think they are not taking care of her, but enough that it was noticeable and someone should have told us to be hyper vigilant about wetties.
When the Girl finally showed up to pick her up, things got weird, really weird. I pulled her aside to tell her about the diaper rash and tell her that I treated it with specialized talc, that I had extra if she needed it. She pretty much ignored me. First weird.
I got the Little Guy to put on his ball cap (fucking adorable) and told him to go show sissy – she ignored him..literally. Second weird.
The Girl’s hubba, HotStud (that was/is his Yahoo profile ID when he was looking for a girl to cheat on A with three months ago), always interacts with the little guy – always, totally into him. Tonight? Completely ignored him. Third weird.
We all sat down together and I tried talked to HotStud and the Girl. Several times – several different subjects. They literally turned away from me. Fourth weird
When they left, my hubba said he was done. Finished. Fifth weird.
Hubba and I had this crazy conversation, where he proceeded to tell me all this incredible crap about his daughter, his X and his son…and things they have said about us. Basically, the Girl has continued to express her belief that the little guy isn’t really her brother. Apparently she has also recently questioned my parenting abilities. I started potty training at 18 months – early, yes, but he was ready. She believes that I ‘forced’ the Little Guy to use the potty. I’m too rigid – because I won’t give the Little Guy chocolate milk, cookies, Twinkies’ and fast food ( which I actually do, but ‘treats’ are an exception in my house, not the rule). Apparently she is also upset about the way I feed him, which is primarily organic and aimed at giving him balanced meals as much as possible. She even complained that I only keep ‘nasty’ juice in my home – which is funny because I spend a lot of money on 100%, all natural, organic apple and orange juice for him. No preservatives, no added sugar – it has an expiration date. I guess the Girl is upset because A won’t drink anything that isn’t loaded with sugar. Funny thing is, that little girl has always eaten like a champ here. I’m a horrible step-grandma because I serve fruit of some sort to the kids with every meal and A doesn’t like it – again funny because yesterday she ate 1/2 cup of cut up melon.
The long and the short of it is that The Girl and HotStud have chosen not to have a relationship with us. Hubba doesn’t want them here anymore. I think that he could ‘handle’ them not being respectful to me or him, but he refuses to allow them to ignore the Little Guy. This whole thing is sad because not only are we effectively cutting the Girl out of the Little Guy’s life (hubba states he will no longer talk to the Girl about her brother at all), we are cutting them, including A out of our lives. That little girl didn’t do anything wrong and we won’t have her here anymore.
Hubba is of the belief, and I agree, that the kids have been subjected to a steady diet of lies and manipulations from the Queen of the Smile Fuck. He believes that the kids will ‘figure it out’ eventually, but honestly? I have reached the point where I don’t need them in my life. Attempting to build relationships with them has done nothing but set me up for tears and failure and I have better things to do with my time and energy.
At the end of the day, this weekend was a revelation of some sorts. Hubba does see the same behaviors and attitudes that I see. He isn’t ignoring them. He is slowly reaching the point of no return with his kids. He told me last night that the kids have noticed how different he has been since he met me and said the following:
Of course I’m different, I was miserable for years. I spent my time waiting for something to happen and living for my kids. I wasn’t myself, lost track of myself. I was lonely, suicidal and unhappy. I’d sometimes have a happy moment or a happy day, but I was unhappy. I met you and that changed. I’m no longer just waiting for retirement and the end. I am interested in living again and in life. For the first time ever, I feel like myself. If my kids are upset or hurt or jealous of any of this, I don’t know what to tell them. I deserve to be happy too.”
Anyway, really long post boils down to just a couple of key points: the kids don’t like me, they are angry at their dad because of me, they don’t believe that the Little Guy is their brother, Mrs. X, Queen of the Smile Fuck is sharpening her blades, and hubba and I are OK with all of this ending.
I don’t have to try to be a stepparent anymore. They neither want nor need one. My sole job at this point is taking care of my family and getting the Lad out of my home…and yes, now it is time for him to go, now I declare war. My line in the sand was drawn a long time ago. It is time that I start living up to it.
I See Their True Colors,
The Wicked Stepmother
I have to ask…why the sudden about change with hubby?
Just curious.
WSM, I’m glad to hear hubba say he is happy with you, and is showing it in his actions. He expressed his awareness of where he was before you and the gradual realization that he could be happy again, and it was with you. It sounds like he’s had his epiphany and has shared it with you. I sincerely hope he remembers this moment and stays the course. It sounds like he’s making the tough decisions and is willing to stand by them, and you. I’m happy for you and I pray it continues.
Me too Trip – me too. It was such a weird weekend and my heart aches for him. He says he is OK with all of this, but this is the same man who told me two years ago: I hope you understand, but I could never love anything like I love the Girl.
they were so close for so long, I know this is tearing him up. He is doing a lot of hard work right now, sorting all this out in his head and in his heart. I can only help him and support him and hope that we continue moving our family forward, even if his kids don’t want to come along for the ride.
I’m fairly certain it is because his daughter is ignoring our son – and by ignoring I mean just short of being mean. The Little Guy has long be in love with his sister – points to her pictures, ‘named’ her and so on. Last night, he was running after her, trying to hug her legs and she just walked away…when she saw me watching she got red in the face and said something like “he just doesn’t know about me yet does he?” to which I replied “yes he does – he loves you, if you would just take the time” she walked away…
Hubba saw this and other ‘incidents’ last night that left him with the distinct feeling that to the Girl the Little Guy is not her brother, but a nuisance that lives with us. It hurt him – probably more than he says.
Wow, wow wow.
Thank you for sharing this post and comments with us.
I hope, I will never be neither in your situation, nor in your husband’s nor in his children’s.
What ever the reasonings in his head, I’m glad that he’s starting to see with his own eyes..
And yea, it sucks that the little one won’t be coming around but I get the feeling that if Girl needed a babysitter in a pinch, she’ll come a-callin’
What’s really painful for me (in your story.. in mine and in others) is that the innocent get the worst end of the stick because of selfish.. immature and irresponsible adults..
Babies are a clean slate.. they only know what they are taught and allowed to get away with..
My stepsons are a product of selfish, immature and irresponsible behavior and even though they are old enough to see what they’re doing.. they’re going to do it because it is being allowed and that’s all they know..
Same with Girl.. and with Lad..
Yup – although the truth is we won’t get our grandbaby because hubba doesn’t want his daughter and her husband around.
I feel so sad for the little ones though. They are so close in age – and should know each other – they don’t and they probably won’t
Your steppies – jesus, I know you have your hands full with them. Don’t you wish that you could somehow make them understand what they are doing? I realize our hubba’s should be the ones doing this, but….
Thanks for the comment
Hey Wicked…
I have been there… it’s funny, my hubby said the same thing about his wonderful daughter when we first started dating…
He had his “Aha” moment 2 years ago, when we basically banned her from our home, and unfortunately, she and her God-awful behavior, have made things worse where now they aren’t even speaking. I feel bad for him, as I could not imagine what he’s going through – we have to remember that as stepparents, we DON’T have unconditional love for THEIR kids, but they do, just as you and I and all the bio moms do. Whenever something comes up with my hubbys daughter, I try to imagine what it would be like for ME if the problem was with my son… I don’t even like to think about it.
My SD ignores my son so much (and treats him like a pawn in her game) that my 3 year old can put into words that “M treats him like he’s invisible”. When asked who is in his family, he will mention everyone under the sun, and exclude her. One time we were playing around, and I said to him, in typical mommy fashion, “who couldn’t love that face”. And he said, “M, mommy, she is mean to me, she doesn’t love me” (broke my heart when he said that).
I and my husband have told her on numerous occasions to put her “stuff” aside and be a good big sister to my son, her brother. She just can’t.What a shame that these folks don’t understand how important it is to have a safe happy, secure place for the little ones. I for one will protect my son with everything I have from that viscious B*&% Until she gets it, I won’t subject him to that kind of hurt. And when my husband gets soft, I remind him that his daughter had the opportunity to grow up without this chaos and BS, and his son deserves that too.
When/if your hubby waivers, remind him of the look on your sons face when his daughter snubbed him.
Hi – thanks for your words – as always, they help. I do not think we can comprehend what this must feel like for our hubba’s. but I do know that mine was absolutely at the end of his rope the other night. It hurt me to see him so sad, but more than that I hurt on behalf of all of the kids – the Girl and the Lad particularly.
They are (and your SD as well) too young and immature to realize the impact of their actions. They are making decisions that will impact the rest of their lives. They are giving up something that is so precious.
I cannot imagine an action at this point that would make up for what they are doing to all of us right now. I’m hurt, hubba is hurt. I just won’t sit by and let it go on like this.
“but I do know that mine was absolutely at the end of his rope the other night.”
I think that those fathers also have to face up and bear the consequences of their behaviour…
It is so sad to read how re-marrying is tearing children and parents apart.
“I and my husband have told her on numerous occasions to put her “stuff” aside and be a good big sister to my son, her brother. She just can’t.”
Don’t you think you are asking a bit too much of her, after throwing her out of the house????
Anne,
I just came into this conversation, obviously a few days late, but I see you are referring to my post, so I am compelled to respond.
Let me first say
1) you haven’t walked a day, a week or a mile in my shoes, so please keep your judgements to yourself.
2) My dear stepdaughter swears up down and sideways (when it’s convenient for her) that she loves my little boy to death, but ignores him and treats him like garbage and tries to ruin any special occasions he may have, including his birthdays and christmas.
She chooses not to be involved with my son… from the day he was born. Oh well, her loss, really… fine with me – my 3 year old doesn’t need to be exposed to her insanity. It is sad for my hubby, who would like his 2 kids to have a relationship.
And for the record, I or my husband did not “throw her out of the house”. She lived here 1/2 the time when she was a kid and when she turned 16 or so, she lived FT with her mom (to avoid any rules in our house) and only came over here to steal money, liquor and cigarrettes, or have sex in my bed.
She is a grown woman now, and the only thing that is keeping her from having a relationship with her father is herself. My husband’s relationship with her isn’t strained because she ignores my son, it’s because she can’t respect him, or anyone else for that matter, and Yes we have the right to expect that when she is in OUR home.
btw… This same girl thinks its ok to curse at a cop who pulls her over for speeding and throw things at her teachers when they ask if she’s done an assignment in school (which by the way is an exact mirror of her MOTHER’S behavior) and the reason that my hubby divorced her mom in the first place.
At a certain point in time, children have to become responsible for their own behavior and stop blaming everyone from mom, dad, stepmom and the pope for whatever their problem is. Grow up, get a therapist if you need to and become a responsible human being for petes sake…
Just my opinion, but again, my SD is grown, at least in age.
PS: I think a young adult has a right to ignore a toddler half-sibling. And I think this is not a reason, for the common parent, to break up contact.
no, Anne, I don’t think they are asking to much of her – honestly I think the whole world has gone a little too soft on everyone – yes, it’s hard, but life is hard for everyone, many people go through way more (abuse, diseases like cancer, death of a parent) than divorced children and don’t treat others badly. Yes, divorce is hard on children, but I’m tired of these children using that as an excuse to treat members of their family like dirt. I am a child of divorce and I went through a lot (domestic violence) but I never blamed my parents for my problems or treated my family like dirt – they did the best they could and that’s all you can do.
Daddy is free to remarry, no-one going to tell him not to.
Adult children are free to ignore new wife and new half-siblings.
I see no obligation to have an active relationship with stepmom and half-siblings, especially if adult children have moved out.
Anne – you are absolutely right, my stepdaughter doesn’t have to have a relationship with me or with her 1/2 brother – that being said, smiling to my face and asking me to babysit her daughter upto 3 times a week for 8 hours a time And i’d like to note that this little girl? She was a crier – mom’s you will know what I mean. Unless I was holding her she cried. Constantly. My stepdaughter would not tell me when she was bringing the baby over, show up unnannouned and unexpected. She would not bring diapers, formula or even the childs blanky. I don’t have a car and her daughter was on soy formula – my son wasn’t. These meant I would have a tired, hungry, cranky baby drinking milk based formula (thank god she never had a reaction), sitting in diapers that were three sizes too big for her several times a month (and YES Anne, I bought all of the supplies myself when I knew she was coming but again, without a car there were days I had nothing for this kid.) In addition to my step-granddaughter, I still had my own little one to take care of and I work from home. To further make matters worse, HotStud would get off at noon and go home to play video games until 6 or 7 at night instead of picking his daughter up.
So let me ask you: if I am good enough to watch your child, care for your child and PAY to do it, why in God’s name am I not good enough to have a relationship with?
If they don’t want to have a relationship with me, that is fine – just don’t ask me to help and act like I am alll wonderful when you need and then behave like a spoiled brat when you have no use for me
That is it exactly casse – using the fact that parents are divorced simply needs to stop.
I see Anne’s on her high-horse again.
Yes, people can ignore other people and dislike their choices. It’s also true that what goes around can come around. You seem to be ignoring the facts as listed by the people posting. Abusive behavior, destruction of property, insulting other children (and babies), borderline criminal behavior (contributing to the delinquency of a minor, etc.), alcohol/drug abuse in the parents’ home…
Because you’re a CHILD (and I mean that emotionally, not physically), you seem to think the world should revolve around the children, forever and ever. If the relationship breaks down between parent and child — why it’s the bad choices that the parents have made that is the cause.
Sometimes parents do the best that they can with what they got (and by that, I mean, their poor choice of a spouse to have kids with, aka moms who cannot coparent), jobs, economy, health, whatever.
You’re right, adult children do not have to have a relationship with the stepmother or their half-siblings. But you seem to think that the parent has to have one with their adult children even if they destroy property or just “simply” view the parent as a built-in babysitter or a big old wallet full of money that they can “borrow.” Are you saying it’s okay to use your parents for whatever they have (money, housing, cars, etc.) because (a) they have it and/or (b) they owe it to you because they got a divorce (no matter what the circumstances)? Why don’t you ever address that?
You seem to think that Dads (and it’s always Dads, by the way, you never seem to bitch and moan about moms who remarry) should always have their wallet out for kids, always worry about what their ADULT children think, and if their ADULT children don’t like things, then it’s Dad’s fault for having the gall of wanting to have a life too for the next 20-30 years.
Where is MOM in your scenarios? Is she allowed to remarry and not support HER kids too? Why is always Daddy’s fault? (This is a rhetorical question, I already know you think that because YOUR dad is a louse [and I'm not disagreeing with you necessarily], EVERYONE’S dad is a louse too.)
At some point, Anne, people have to grow up and either learn to live with what life is really about (sorry, not all of us can have parents who are still married after 50 years) and not live in some fantasy land where Dad will perpetually support Daughter and Son forever. The fact that these dads in THIS blog get frustrated, annoyed, hurt by their adult children’s behavior doesn’t make them bad dads. They have dropped the ball at some point earlier in their children’s lives by not making them accountable but it’s also not only their fault. There’s another parent in this mix too. It’s too bad that the kids get mad when Dad stops being a pasty and a hostage to his kids and asks them to grow the hell up.
Here to the Hell Ya Lori!
I do find it interesting that Anne seems unable, or unwilling to discuss the mom’s in these situations. I think she is under the mistaken assumption that all moms are victims, all dads are heartless and all stepmoms should just close their eyes to everything that goes on around them
At the end of the day my hubba, and I’m sure alot of them, made some serious errors during the early years of his childrens lives. After the divorce, he did what many divorced parents do: he let stuff slid because he didn’t want to be the mean parent. It is hard to recognize the impact of not having a 10 year old clean his own room will have on that same child when they are 21. Divorce sucks, granted, but at least some of these dads ‘get it’ and are willing to do the tough thing for the kids in order to help them be more sucessful.
very well said Lori….
)
In a divorce situation, children are paying for the immaturity and irresponsable decisions of their parents. I think it is for them to grow up. If they had acted like grown-ups in the first place, all this situation would not have come to be.
I think it is quite normal that adolescents act out their anger when they are angry. It is for the adults (and I mainly refer to their biological parents, not their step-parents) to listen to them, and to calm down the situation.
If those bio parents are not able to do it, tough luck for stepparents and half-siblings.
If a Stepdauther says she is not interested in a relationship with her baby half-brother (and I think that quite a few things have to happen for this to be the case, since most people do like small children), it is her good right.
If half-sibling suffers from it: tough luck for half-sibling (the same way as the whole divorce and remarrying situation is just tough luck for children).
Now if a parent wants to sacrifice his relationship with one child for the sake of another child: that’s their decision. I just say that not much good will come out of it.
So in the world according to Anne, parents who are miserable together, cheating on each other, abusing one or more children, running up debts, or any of the other common reasons for divorce should simply stay together for the sake of the children? That is being mature?
Open your eyes. I know in the case of my hubba, his daughter was 14 when he split with his wife. After years of trying to make it work of the ‘sake of the kids,’ his children had finally had enough of their mother constantly putting their father down CHEATING PUBLICALLY on him and running up credit card debt in his name. His daughter actually gave him PERMISSION to leave – it was that bad.
If you believe even for a second that children who grow up in homes where parents should divorce but don’t are any better – you are just wrong. In fact, children in these situations often have all of the problems we typically discussed coupled with a distorted vision of what a marriage is.
As far as my step-daughter ignoring her half-brother, let me tell what it is that happened. Her mother, my hubba’s ex has convinced my step-kids that my hubba didn’t father my son – sounds horrid right? When we asked her to stop repeating this with the kids, her reaction was to tell them the following: It is wrong to say that your father isn’t the Little Guys dad, after all, even if he isn’t, you father still loves him – the science doesn’t matter.”
Now, I am OK with my SD basically calling me a whore, I am not ok with her taking her anger and jealousy and foundless ideas out on a 2 year.
Let me ask you this Anne, at what age are our children to be held responsible for their behavior? At what point is it no longer mommy and daddy’s fault but theri own?
and Hubba isn’t choosing one child over another – his daughter choose to not be a part of our life.
and let me tell you something else, any parent who sacrafices all of their own happiness for their children will end up being a bad parent. At least my hubba had the strength to go and make a good life for himself, one that he could be proud of, one in which he could help his kids and support them. At the end of the day, what are they really mad about? That he is happy? You honestly think that is ok?
I think that there is, generally speaking, a lot of emotional blackmailing going on in this situations.
My opinion is: adult children do not have to buy into the “but he is soooo small and it is not his fault” rhetoric, if they don’t want.
Tough luck for daddy if he does not know how to make peace.
Ultimately, he is repsonsible for the situation, so if half-sibling suffers, it is ultimately his fault. (and his own suffering too, of course). I have zero pity for those people.
Anne – Please get a clue. We are not talking about 15 year olds here – we are talking a 25 year old, adult woman with children of herr own. The emotional blackmail you are talking about is from HER.
At the end of the day she has a biological mother who is constantly saying things to her like: ‘ your father never spent time with you like he does with your half-brother.’ and ‘if your father hadn’t remarried and had a baby he would be able to help you out financially.’ This 25 year old is acting like a spoiled brat and in the process hurting her father, me, her daughter and her 1/2 brother.
Daddy doesn’t have to ‘make peace’ over this situation. The Girl needs to grow up and start acting like an adult instead of a child.
and the people I pity? my son and my granddaughter – they don’t get to see each other or play. A please, don’t for a SECOND think I was the one who initiated the no contact. That was my hubba, after witnessing her horrible behavior and relizing that the only time we EVER hear from her is when she needs money or a babysitter.
Please take the time to actually read to posts before posting ignorant and baseless comments.
Look, her father slept with a girl who was not on the pill or forgot to take it and did not use a condom or the condom broke – talk of irresponsible behavious, so the girl got pregnant, so he married her.
So now this girl is trying to tell everybody in the family what they have to do. Of course they resent her as an intruder.
And I do not think that her father’s behaviour (impregnating a girl without really wanting) was very responsable.
On the one hand, I agree with you: age 21 or 25 it IS time to grow up, move out, earn your own money, take your life into your own hands.
On the other hand, it is factually true that finances of the family are more restricted now because daddy impregnated his girlfriend by mistake.
How dare you? You know nothing about me. For all you know we sat down and discussed having a baby and very purposely fucked our brains out without protection.
How dare you? My hubby and I had a condom break and my back-up birthcontrol (which if you must know is a spermicidal gel) failed. so we were not being irresponsible. We took normal precautions to prevent pregnancy.
Additionally, that baby? Best thing that ever happened to us. Especially to my husband. His own children will talk about how the Little Guy brought him back to life. A loved baby is never a mistake, never a problem. They are blessings and if you are too ignorant to understand that sometimes life throws us curve balls I don’t know what to tell you.
As far as finances go? Not that is any of your business, but in the last two years we have dropped about 6 grand into my stepdaughters family because he husband doesn’t have a full time job and won’t get one. Her car breaks down? We fix it. She wants the $300 4d ultrasound? We pay for it. She is asked to be in a wedding but can’t afford the dress? That’s us. She is pissed off because she doesn’t get to go out to dinner on daddy’s tab 4 times a week (although she is always welcome to eat here.) See hubby and I can’t afford to do those things because we are in debt. And before you get on your high-horse again? Hubba and his x didn’t divorce right away – they lived seperately for years. Mrs. X filed for bankruptcy, without telling hubba and over 30,000 in debt including a car repo was transfered to hubba’s credit. We have been sucesfull in removing some of it – but not all of it. Because we dump all this money into the kids, we can’t hire a bankruptcy person ourselves. So, we have shit credit, no spending money of our own, yet his kids never go a day wanting anything.
Please DO NOT pretend to understand any of this. We do the best we can financially for the kids – they are angry because we won’t buy new video games for them, buy alcohol, take them to dinner when I’ve already cooked.
How dare you
PS: If a 25 year old who has already moved out of the house decides she does not want a relationship with her toddler half brother, why does it bother you?
This is her good right. You cannot be friends with everyone.
“A please, don’t for a SECOND think I was the one who initiated the no contact. That was my hubba, after witnessing her horrible behavior ”
I don’t think it is a good strategy on hubba’s side.
It might benefit you, you might rub your hands over it. In my eyes, he is an a……. if he breaks contact with his daughter because she does not like you or your son or both.
Yeah Anne, I have busted my ass for three years trying to build us a family because I want her out of our lives. I stayed up till 3 am for a month hand sewing stockings for christmas for this girl and her hubby and daughter because I couldn’t wait to ‘rub my hands over this’ I regularly cook 3 entirely seperate meals because this one won’t it that and that one won’t eat this…just so we can all have dinner together – but I want her out of my life.
Are you insane? If for no other reason than i love my husband, of COURSE I want a relationship with her. I would LOVE to spend time with her. Share interests, talk, chat, do girly things…my stepkids are not now, have never been and probably never will be interested in any of that…unless they want something from me.
I cannot tell you how many nights I have had my stepdaughter and her daughter over and said “you guys go sit outside and relax – have some daddy/daughter time’ I’ll watch the kids.
You are ridiculous and obviously live in a fantasy world. It is either that or you have the worst case of ‘daddy issues’ ever.
If children and/or parents have rules or stipulations about what they want (children seem to want $$ and parents seem to want some respect), then everyone is entitled to live with their decisions. If a 25-year-old woman wants to avoid her father’s new wife for whatever reason, that’s her business. If the father says, “Hey, I’m more than a built-in babysitter and ATM, please be nicer to me and our family in my home” — that’s their right. If it means that they don’t see each other, maybe that’s a good thing. Why bother giving ungrateful people money? And, if your dad offends you that much, it’s probably better to avoid him. Just don’t pretend it’s a national tragedy and it’s all Dad’s fault, Anne.
There’s one thing about money and families that I don’t get. Why do people (at whatever age) are entitled to their parents or even grandparents’ money? The ex in our family begrudges every penny that her ex-mother-in-law spends and says she is wasting money that will (one day) go to HER children. (Note, they are her children and hers alone.) As far as I know, it’s still the ex-mother-in-law’s money to do with what she pleases. The ex in our family complains because the ex-stepgrandmother-in-law doesn’t disperse $1000 at the beginning of every school year, ignoring the fact that (a) she’s 85 years old, (b) she’s done this on her own for 20+ years and (c) once again, it is her money by law. (And I point out who is to say that the kids wouldn’t “waste” money either?) For your reading pleasure, Anne, here’s the ultimate of spoiled brat/dad lawsuit:
http://www.latimes.com/business/nationworld/wire/sns-ap-us-billionaire-child-support,0,6417241.story
I’m kind of agreeing with you that if two people don’t want a relationship, that’s fine but I disagree with you on whose fault it is and what the DAD’s responsibilities are. BTW, I notice the parent in your scenarios are always male Please let us know how you feel if it were a mother or better yet, how your mother feels about situations like this.
You also failed to address the fact that some of these stepmothers are not just dealing with angry “children” but adults who are destroying property, breaking laws, etc. They are not little kids having a temper tantrum in the grocery aisle.
I totally am on board with the money thing. I don’t understand why people think that they are entitled to anything that mom/dad or grandma/pa have. They worked all day for it. They are the ones that put in the time, did the training, walked the line.
Loved the article by the way.
On this, I totally agree with you both: no, children are not entitled to their parent’s money. Parents should spend it as they see fit, and it is lowest of low to reproach parents that they are “depleting the heritage”
As I said before: I agree with you on the money part. At 25, you should be able to make your own living.
The part on which I do not agree is imposing a new wife and child on the other children.
Daddy had his part of irresponsable behaviour in his life, it is not for his daughter to pay for his mistakes.
If she wants to see daddy without new wife and half-sibling, I think that daddy should accomodate her as far as it is possible (say: meet her for coffee or lunch once a week or once a month, without new wife and child).
And it saddens me to see how the relationship to his new wife destroys his relationship with his children.
Unfortunately, these cases are not that rare.
Anne,
What planet do you live on anyway? Yes, children should spend some one-on-one time with their biological parent, but disrespect, ignorance and rudeness to their parent’s partner, wife or husband should not be tolerated. Ever.
Let’s face it, the SD is going (as she well should and the sooner the better) to have her own life. Her father is entitled to the same and seemingly has found love again. Good for him.
You must be a daughter much like the stepdaughter the blog owner has. Pity because that’s what the world needs — more self-righteous, entitled, know-it-all’s. Great. I fear for humanity.
and Anne, I regularly set up lunches and dinners for my hubby and his daughter – I DO THAT FOR THEM.
Well, my case is not exactely the same, because it is about my father trying to force harmony on me and his out-of-wedlock son (24 years of age difference).
Of course, forcing harmony (through emotional blackmail) does not work, so it ended in a total breakup.
Needless to say that I do not have a very high opinion of said father.
OK – Anne, there is the key: Force. We are not, have not and will not force any kind of relationship. In fact from day one I followed two rules
1. I am not their mother and they do not need one – they already have one
2. The kids need to lead the way in the relationship. I need to take my cues from them.
That being said, I am a part of this family. This is my home too. My opinions matter. My husband shouldn’t have to ‘hide’ me from his kids or put me on the back burner. The kids can, and often do, come first, before any of us. That being said, we are not forcing anything on them.
They don’t have to love me, I don’t have to love them, but I am as much a part of this family as anyone else. Respect, honesty and curtesy are not a lot to ask from a 25 year old and a 21 year old.isn’t too much to ask.
“Great. I fear for humanity.”
So do I when I read those very well named stepmom blogs: evil stepmom, wicked stepmom, etc…
They describe a very real conflict of interests.
I still think that the bio parent is the main responsible for all the mess, but according to how those stepmoms describe themselves, they do really earn the names they tagged themselves with. (from the perspective of the rest of the family. As I said, I do not think they are per se evil, but they are going through a conflict of interests where they try to defend their beefsteak, and it often is at the cost of other family members).
Don’t you get it Anne? I call myself Wicked Stepmother because THEY named me that because I won’t let my stepson drive drunk and I won’t let my and because I want him to go to school. Because I insist on a clean house – because I voice my opinions – THEY named me that – let me clarify…their MOTHER named me that. I started this blog, using this name after she introduced me to complete strangers as the Wicked Stepmother.
Please take the time to read all of our posts and not just assume things about us. I didn’t give myself this name and don’t actually want it.
WTF is a beefsteak?
still haven’t heard you respond to Lori’s point about bio-moms
“how your mother feels about situations like this.”
Personally, my mother (and still my father’s wife) has a very good relationship with her husband’s out-of-wedlock-son (but misses not opportunity to tell everybody who wants to hear it that his mother is an idiot).
She also tries to force me to love this child. A few years after my father broke off contact with me, whe also did, because she could not bear the tension (could not bear to hear my not-so-high opinion about my father).
“Don’t you get it Anne? I call myself Wicked Stepmother because THEY named me that because I won’t let my stepson drive drunk and I won’t let my and because I want him to go to school. Because I insist on a clean house – because I voice my opinions”
Well, according to what you described in your last few posts, they might have had reasons to do it.
(“when “lad” comes home hungover I make sure to hammer the next morning”
“I gave my husband an ultimatum: if his son is not in school or working by 22 september, he has to be thrown out of the house, or else…”)
I am convinced all you do hails from good intentions. But it sounds as if it were out of the handbook on “how to be deemed a wicked stepmother”.
PS: since “beefsteak” has an english consonance, I thought it was an english word. But I suppose you say just “steak”.
In french you say “to defend your beefsteak” meaning to defend your interests, to claim what you think is your due…
“Let’s face it, the SD is going (as she well should and the sooner the better) to have her own life.”
I never went through divorce (neither my parent’s, nor my own, nor did I ever have to assume the role of a stepmother.
I think your blogs are very interesting, because it shows what one has to expect, in reality, when faced with this “stepmom” task.
What saddens me is to see that the bio children of earlier marriages seem to sit on an ejectable seat as soon as new wife moves in. They are clearly the weaker parts in this whole constellation, and they can only lose if things go wrong. Eventually, they will be the ones who will be thrown out. Either literally, like “lad” and “SD”, or figuratively: contact is broken off.
So in the end, the only advise you could give a child or youth who finds himself in such an uncomfortable situation is: earn your own money as soon as possible, move out as soon as possible, just: stop being dependent.
Paradoxically, they seem to do quite the contrary.
But still: those are really, really sad stories.
You seem to miss the bus about common courtesy. I may not like it if my father remarries but he’s a grown man. The least I can do is show some courtesy towards his wife. It’s called MANNERS.
(And yes, Wicked can pound nails in HER and HER HUSBAND’S house when Lad is hungover after breaking rules about drinking, etc. I don’t feel that anyone should walk on eggshells to avoid waking up someone who drinks too much. But in your world, mothers, father, stepmothers all must bend over backwards to be polite to the poor little bitty adult child. Otherwise, they deserve contempt according to your rules.)
The problem is that the you and step-kids (for whatever reasons) do not want their status quo changed. If Dad divorced Mom, they should do whatever they want in anyone’s house. If either get remarried (Dad especially) should just have two lives and pretend nothing has changed. If the kids need money, well, never mind that Dad has his own expenses. It is his job (I’ve still not heard you say anything about Mommy contributing anything) to provide the extras. If he doesn’t — well, it’s his wife’s fault. Your beef is with your dad. You can come here and spew crap about Wicked and all stepmothers (btw, you might study up on sarcasm/irony which is what Wicked’s name is all about) and make it all Dad’s fault.
I can see why your dad might want to spend more time with his other kids than you. It’s hard to have a relationship with someone who walks around with a big chip on her shoulder and whines 24/7 about how life is unfair. You don’t want a relationship with your dad? Fine but your reality isn’t Wicked’s reality and you can’t make it so.
And Anne…let me ask you this: if it is wicked of me to pound hammers when the lad is hungover, is it equally wicked for him to come home 3 or 4 nights a week, drunk and wake up myself and the baby at 3 am? Unlike my hubby, who sleeps like the dead, I am a light sleeper. Is mt stepson’s behaviour wrong or simply another thing I must accept because the poor kids parents got a divorce 12 years ago?
I am just exposing to you that there is a real conflict of interests, and that the other side might also have had their reasons for forming their opinion.
Yes, it is wicked to do the hammering ON PURPOSE BECAUSE your stepson is hung over.
Honestly, I have no solution for the whole thing.
My personal solution after reading your blog: stay away from being a stepmom.
PS: in the same way you dislike my saying that the other family members might have reason for deeming you a “wicked stepmom”, lad might dislike your constant nagging about alcohol, girls, etc.
As far as you could see, it did not help.
I think it is because motivation is a complicated thing. You do not seem to be efficient in motivating him, as I do not seem to be efficient in motivating you to become a less wicked stepmom: reproches, nagging do not help.
Try another strategy.
Anne,
You wrote,
“I think your blogs are very interesting, because it shows what one has to expect, in reality, when faced with this “stepmom” task.”
What we expect is to be treated with respect and offer the same in return. What we usually get is exactly what you offered — an entitled person with a chip on their shoulder. So much fun to live with! (oh, insert sarcasm here being as how you don’t quite get that) We certainly do not assign ourselves this name. That is generally the BM’s job.
I know in my case I will not be treated poorly in.my.house. I have worked very hard to provide not only a loving home, but a beautiful one as well for my steps. If they don’t play by the rules, then yes, there is the door. Incidentally, the rules are the same for anyone who is in MY house. If the mailman treats me or mine poorly, then get off my porch. You get the point. Home is the one place we get to call our own. I don’t force my steps to love me (or even like me for that matter), I am NOT their parent (they have two already), but I refuse to be treated like a guest in my home. If that offends, tough.
Finally, if you want a relationship with someone — foster it. But for goodness sake, quit blaming the rest of the world and take ownership.
“quit blaming the rest of the world”
But that’s what your stepmom blogs are all about: blaming the rest of the world, first and foremost the ex, the stepchildren, the husband…
Jesus Anne,
Most of us are here because we are so frustrated with the state of affairs we don’t know what to do. Our hubby’s are torn between helping their children by getting tough and simply avoiding conflict. Birth moms butt in with snide comments, kids who are used to playing one parent off the other refuse to accept any changes to their lives.
We are expected to either just fade into the background and feel like guests in our own homes. Everyone who isn’t in this situation think it is a simple problem. It isn’t.
That is it exactly. I don’t expect the kids to love me. I don’t expect hugs and kisses. I simply want to be respected
and yes I have resorted to some childish tactics…but when I get no support from anyone else and sometimes feel completely alone, the childish tactic make me feel better.
PS: If your stepson had the same kind of “responsable” sex (condom, but unfortunately it burst) as you and your hubby, with the same result (girl getting pregnant), would you also say: “Well, he did all he could to prevent it, but there you are” or would you start a shouting match?
I think it is all about having different weights and measures when it comes to stepchildren.
Anne – the difference is his father and I were adults – with jobs and a reasonable expectation that we could care for a child. My stepson makes an average of $400/month. With that money he is expected to pay his car insurance and his cell phone bill. He opts to spend his money on drinking, video games and fast food. This means that he doesn’t pay his car insurance or his cell phone on a regular basis. His mother would step in on occassion to pay these bills but for the last few months none of us have offered him assistance. Instead of doing the logical thing, not going out a few nights to save money for his bills, he has opted to drive without car insurance. How could I reasonably expect him to take care of a child?
Additionally when I, apparently the whore of Babylon in your eyes, became pregnant at age 35, I didn’t ask my parents for money or for a place to live or for any other assistance.
That, my dear, is the difference betweent a spoiled brat of a child accidentaly knocking a chick up and two adults having a child together.
…and if he came to tell you, overjoyed: “Stepmom, the best thing that could ever happen in my life happened: My girlfriend got pregnant”.
Would you congratulate him or pull a face????
You all might as well as be talking to the wall when it comes to asking Anne any serious questions. All she can say is “boo hoo life is unfair” and stepmothers have to suck it up. (Note, nothing about stepfathers or just plain mothers — it’s all stepmother’s fault and all daddy’s fault.) Everyone needs to walk on eggshells around Anne because life isn’t fair and it’s our fault because Daddy is mean to her. It’s our fault for marrying someone who divorced long ago, it’s our fault for having a baby, it’s our fault for wanting to live in a house with our husbands — don’t you see? Poor Anne and people like her are really reasonable people — it’s US who are at fault.
BTW, Anne, that WAS sarcasm.
I think you just like going to blogs by stepmothers so you can lash out and blame them rather than deal with your own life. It’s easier and less troublesome than working on your own problems with your own daddy. But don’t you get tired of carrying that chip on your shoulder?
No, I’d rather say I go around playing advocatus diaboli.
Since you all around here agree that it is a good idea to pound in nails when stepson is hungover, I thought it might make for a change to have someone who is not of the same opinion.
Could be you would find me on “persecuted stepchildren” forum defending exactely your position.
But interestingly enough, people are generally not interested in hearing diverging opinions.
Anne – I invite you to continue debating whenever you feel the need. Don’t expect us stepparents to bend over at every boo hoo though
No Anne.. you’re not playing devil’s advocate and you’re wrong. People ARE interested in diverse opinions.. however, yours are not constructive or delivered in a mature manner. You seek not to help.. OR to learn.. just to condemn.
I have to agree with you Lori – this is entirely uproductive. We are getting way off topic here.
I can’t believe I just wasted 20 minutes reading this. I would like to add: WS, please don’t do anymore free babysitting, free car repairs or favors for the stepdaughter who wants to treat you and your son like crap. If the dad/dau. relationship is to be salvaged, it will have to be your hubba’s responsibility to see her outside the home until she decides to have some manners and common courtesy, unlike anne.
Sharon – thanks…I think! (am assuming the ‘wasted’ time was over Anne, not my thoughts!!)
And you will be pleased to hear that there are no more babysitting gigs for me. Hubba actually said to me ‘listen, she won’t call me to ask if we can babysit – she will ask you. I would like it if you would no longer agree to take the baby for them.’ He went on to say he doesn’t want any of them here!
Wowser – what a difference!
haha yes, you assumed correctly.
It is obvious that Anne is emotionally damaged and her comments are displaced raged against her own situation. It is also obvious that she cannot ( “will not” is debatable ) foster an idea.. or ideal, for that matter.. because she is wrapped up in her own self absorbed mission to degrade and demean any one who is attempting to bring some type of function into dysfunction.
She is pathetic and intentionally hurtful .. she is not here to debate a differing opinion or bring a different perspective.. she is, in essence, an emotional terrorist rubbing salt into your already raw wounds.
She cannot offer any advice or suggestion or anything helpful so why bother coming back? Because to her, this is folly to lift her own self esteem.
You can say what you want, Anne.. deny or comply.. it doesn’t really matter.. your walls are made of glass. You’ve upset too many people already with your drivel now be a good little girl and go away .. find some other sandbox to pollute.
OH Leese – Love it. Drivel..what a good word!! And, I have to say, I am not in disagreement with you. It seems like we end up getting really off topic. I won’t lie to you, I was MAD today!! But no worries, I went on to write a nice fluff piece about soup, salad and arsonic
Wow thanks for sharing. I bet we could really exchange some horror stories. Why does it have to be this way?? WHYYYYY???
I think the main point Anne is that life is too short to hold grudges. Yes, maybe the dad (yours) made a mistake – people aren’t perfect (are you?) and you love them in spite of it. As was said before, you don’t have to love your steps but you do need to respect them and if you were mine, if you couldn’t do that (respect my husband) you would not be a part of my family by your choice of choosing to disrespect those I care about – because in reality you are showing you don’t care about me by hurting somene I care about.
WS you are very right. You have every single right in the world to demand respect in your own home. I too often forget that it literally is my home and often find myself feeling invisible because my step-daughter chooses to be in a bad mood and use her crappy attitude and her disrespects as a weapon to hurt someone (always me.) But since I am just the step mother, I have no voice and or forms of punishment (because it is not reinforced by the hubby), talk about frustration!!!!!
I wish you the best again please keep posting I share so much in common with you!!!!!
thank you for your honest comments, introspection, and strength. i am in a similar position and began my blog to help me cope…to send all my thoughts and feelings out in cyberspace where they may be understood.
reading your posts gave me a bit of encouragement and helped me not feel so alone. i look forward to reading more. thank you again…