It Isn’t My Responsibility, But It Is My Problem
Last night PC returned from a short business trip. After the ‘missed you’ part, we sat down to catch up. Eventually the conversation turned to the lad and his latest ‘girlfriend.’ Told PC that Mrs. X called yesterday to tell me that the Lad was indeed dating again – although the age of said young lady is in question (for future reference I’ll call her Tart). Anywho..I told hubba what I had learned and asked him a simple question: “Tart is not to spend the night here and, if she is underage, is not to drink here…are we on the same page?” To which the darling, if clueless, man replied:
This is your house too. I don’t want her sleeping here or drinking here and neither do you. If they are here doing either, you need to get up, go into his room and tell her to leave. If she has been drinking, drive her home. If the Lad has a problem with any of this, tell him to wake me up.”
HMMMM – not exactly what I had in mind.
It reminded me of something PC said to me a week or two after we all moved in together: The Lad isn’t your responsibility, but he is your problem. Sounds to me like he is asking me to do the parenting and the disciplining so he doesn’t have to.
We have all read the psycho babble new age crap about how as stepparents we should leave these tasks to the bio-parents. I have yet to read an article about what to do if the parenting is dumped in your lap!
The truth of the matter is, regardless of the actions I take, any action taken to prevent Tart drinking or sleeping here will be seen as my fault. Have any of you ever been put in this situation (Leese???)
He isn’t my kid, I often feel like this isn’t my home, his destructive actions shouldn’t be my problem – then how come I feel like the only responsible adult here? Is it unfair for hubba to dump this on me?
Doesn’t Wanna Be The Responsible One Anymore,
The Wicked, and Apparently Dictatorish, Stepmother
I would wake your husband up, and make him march his ass into the Lad’s room and kick the girl out. Way to make you look like the bad guy. On the other hand, just because he is unwilling to parent wouldn’t mean I wold allow my house into a state of chaos because of it. The Lad doesn’t like it/ you? Tough shit, get out. Take your house back girl! Didn’t he shoot paint balls in your house? I would have lit his bedroom up in a heart beat. Or I would have just bagged all his shit up and left it on the curb.
I know – the truth is over the past three years ALL of the parenting has come from me. Hubba just doesn’t ‘see’ things (read he doesn’t want to). He claims that unless we catch the lad red-handed we can’t blame him. Case in point? The paint balls. We didn’t see the Lad shoot them, but he owns a paint gun, I didn’t do it, hubba didn’t do it, the 2 year old didn’t…of course the Lad did. Hubba refused to even ask the Lad about it. So it is left to me. The next paint ball mess I find, the gun goes in the garbage – of course I’m a bitch because of it.
Last time there was a girl sleeping in his room and I stumbled upon it I told him she needed to be out of his bedroom – she could go into the guest room, but this wasn’t ok. Within 1 hour I had calls from hubba, Mrs. X, Stepdaughter, 2 aunts and a family friend – calling me unreasonable (hubba didn’t). Taking back my home at this point is me telling hubba and the Lad what I will not accept and enforcing it. My drop dead date is September 22. Lad must have full time job or be registered for classes or he must leave.
If, as I suspect, there is a girl in his room right now, I will tell him when he wakes up that he has a choice, move into the bedroom next to our or loose his doors – period.
Love the name BTW
At least he hubs is in agreement. I suppose the lesson here is: Sometimes you have to be a bitch to take care of business. Realistically, The Lad is not going to like you, regardless of whether you’re a bitch or not so you might as well make yourself happy.
Oh Sharon, I couldn’t agree more. The truth is a few days before I began blogging there was a drastic increase in the ‘Wicked Stepmother’ comments from the kids and Mrs. X – at first, I won’t lie, I was hurt – I may have shed a tear or two over it while no one was looking. In the end, I decided to embrace it. Being nice hasn’t worked, doing nice things for them hasn’t worked. I decided that I could either be a miserable Mary Poppins (their other nickname for me) or a happy Wicked Stepmother. As a result I have made realistic goals for my house, discovered a new way to communicate with hubba that is more effective and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Screw ‘em – They want a Wicked Stepmother? They got one
Love your title- it isn’t my responsibility but it is my problem. That sums up step-mothering.
You’re in a no-win situation. And you’ve got ONE thing right- he’s not going to like you. You are not his friend.
How old is said “lad”?
Hi Raisingable!
Thanks for the kind words. That title is something Hubba has said for a long time (it actually applies to many aspect of life when you think about it)
I’m ok with him not liking me now – after all, I know as an adult that the steps I take, which he sees as me just being a wicked bitch, like not letting him drink in our home till he was of age and not letting him have girls spend the night – actually protect him. I gotta believe that one day he will figure that out.
Said Lad is physcially 21, emotionally 16 and intellectually 12
WS
I checked out your site – and have to say HELLO??? I’ve been saying the same thing – the Lad cleaning his own bathroom isn’t about punishing him or teaching him to scrub properly – it is about teaching him to be responsible. When he grows up…if that ever happens, I’m fairly certain he won’t have the first clue about what it means to be a responsible adult.
I’d love to do a post on bringing chores into a family that has not previously had them….
Want to review my book on how chores brat-proof your family?
If you blog about it, I’ll send you a review copy. Email me your address
susan [at] susantordella [dot] net.
HOW OLD IS “THE LAD”?
I’ve been in a situation similar except where my wife was the one providing the alcohol, drinking WITH them, AND the only one at the gathering that was 21 or older! When I protested, after learning of the infraction, I was told that I was being paranoid, a worry wort, and other similar synonyms. I called her out on her BS and she defended herself and her decision to provide alcohol to her 16 year old daughter and the daughter’s 15 year old boyfriend.
At least Hubba is on your side, if not actually doing the eviction of the girl himself.
Tripp – that is just crazy to me! I have to wonder if parents like that are stupid or if they are simply attempting to ‘cool’ their way into a relationship with their kids.
Hey Wicked,
I always say i’m going to post a reply to your blog and then I get caught up with my 3 y/o… who seems to have an inane ability to detect when I’m on the phone or on the computer. LOL
Anyhow, I love this post. This was me a few years ago. My stepdaughter was having friends over, drinking, drugs, stealing, lying, having sex (in my bed!) and since hubby didn’t “catch her in the act” he didn’t want to call her out on it. What??
I think the problem with divorced dads, is that they feel guilt, and on top of that I know that my husband was always afraid that his ex would say something bad about him if he disciplined his daughter (since the ex NEVER HAS) and was worried that his daughter wouldn’t like/love him anymore because of it.
The only way I could solve the problem of my husbands INABILITY to parent his daughter, was to not allow her in our house. That was the only way that I could be sure that my house was not in complete chaos because this girl had absolutley no boundaries whatsover. She’s 21 now, just got 4 tattoos (just this month!), has not worked ONE DAY in her life, sleeps till 1 or 2 pm at her moms house and then drinks vodka and smokes pot all night (at moms house with mom and her friends).
You can’t change people, you can only change the way YOU react to them.
If you are a regular reader, you most likely realize that I am headed there – I am ready for him to be out. However, to combat the whole ‘guilty divorced dad’ thing I’m doing it in stages.
Doesn’t it crack you up that kids are allowed to behave that way? I won’t lie to you – I know the Lad got home last night at 4 am – and I know he is hungover – I use mornings like this to do things like pound chicken breasts in the kitchen (shares a wall with his room)or hang pictures or generally just hammer anything. Another favorite ‘revenge’ is helping my two year old use a drum stick to bank soup pot lids right outside his door (Yes I knhow I am mean – that is why I’m called Wicked).
Glad to have your input – and I get it about the 3 year old – mine is 2, started the terrible 2′s at 17 months and is the size (literally) of most 3 1/2 year olds – he keeps me hopping!
You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It is very easy for me to sit here and tell you to march in there and kick her out, yadda, yadda, yadda. Truth is, you are in a no win situation. Unfortunately, it is the road we travel when we marry men with children. I understand your anger and resentment. I am currently living with a stepdaughter who made up lies in court then walked right back into MY house acting as if nothing happened. Hello? Can you spell psycho?! Yet, because husband refuses to do one dang thing, I have to live with the consequences. Crazy. Luckily for me, I can leave and do. I let him parent her and then he will have to live with the outcome. They are not my problem. I did not create the mess and therefore, refuse to fix it or clean it up.
Good luck to you. I am sending hugs your way…
Oh Thank You Ohio!
I think the main problem here is actually my entirely childish belief that because I was ‘good with kids’ and a reasonable person I would automatically make a good stepparent….can we say NO WAY??
I also keep waiting for that EUREKA moment where suddenly I have all the knowledge and the skills you could need to be a sucessful stepparent…looks like I’m going to be trying to muddle through this for years to come:)
I’m so glad you have an ‘out’ – sometimes even just knowing you have that helps!
Oh, dear. I wish I could tell you a EUREKA moment will happen, but sadly not. (insert bursting of bubble here!)
I have learned that I could be Mother Teresa and my steps still wouldn’t like me. Truth is, nobody wants or asks for a stepmother. Once I “got” this, I re-channeled my energy to me and those who deserve it. I now run and exercise regularly again, meet my friends for movies, dinner, drinks again, read, bake and most importantly — spend time with MY girls. It is amazing how much better I feel and how much less resentful I am of his kids. Every other week when they visit is MY time and trust me, I know how to spend it!
Please make sure you take time to care for YOU! No matter what message others send or try to give you – YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Hugs to you…
I had that same belief that because I was a stepdaughter and had a really good relationship with my stepmom that I had an advantage because I had been “there”. Not so… the difference in my situation with my stepmom is that my parents raised me to respect all adults, and after they divorced, even though I had different rules in different households (my dad and stepmom were much stricter than my mom), I knew I couldn’t make a phone call to one or the other to get out of this situation or that punishment – they still as divorce parents presented a united front. And, I genuinely liked my stepmom, she taught me how to bake and cook (my mom was not one for getting around in the kitchen) and a whole bunch of other things.
I remember when I became a stepmom, MY stepmom sat down with me and gave me advice and we had a nice talk, and I tried to do all the things that she did with my stepdaughter… made no difference. This was a girl who witnessed her mother stalking me, cursing me out, threatening to kill me, calling me a homewrecker, whore and anything else she could think up. When faced with that, I think the only hope is that one day your steps will grow up (not in age but in mind) and realize that what their moms said was out of hurt, anger (and possibly sociopathic tendencies LOL). And, if they don’t, well, they don’t…
My mother once said to me, not everyone in this world is going to like you… and if they don’t, screw ‘em.
PS… I used to do the same thing with the hammering and banging pots when my stepdaughter used to be hungover till 1pm… LOL it’s the little things that keep you from strangling someone!
Wow..
You hit that title right on the head didn’t you? In my case, though.. it IS my responsibility because the BioParents don’t WANT the responsibility. But yea.. we are damned either way.. there will be no eureka moment.. and regardless of what our husbands think, we can’t feel like it’s OUR home because no one else living here makes it feel like OUR home.
So what does one do? I tried being the bitch that they insisted that I am but truthfully, it took way too much effort ( because I’m not really a bitch ) so what I started doing and actually, really started reinforcing recently is the “Don’t Do What You Don’t Do Game” .. I do on living for me and my husband and if they don’t show up for dinner, no problem. I don’t cook enough for left overs anymore.. they need a ride? Tough.. Don’t buy the snacks I like? Double tough.. Don’t put your clothes in the laundry? Stinky tough ..
I said to my husband last year that I learned to love them and I can just as easy learn to un-love them.. and unfortunately, that’s what happened. And believe me.. they made if REAL easy to do.
I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt.. that all my hopes and dreams for having a happy well adjusted family dying wasn’t devastating. It was.. still is. But like Ohio said, they are HIS problem.. not mine. I didn’t have a part in rearing them up until 3 years ago so I’m not going to take the fall for the way they are.
I hope this doesn’t read as me being defeated.. I don’t feel that way. I feel more empowered because I am steering my own ship and not allowing my feelings to get trampled on anymore.
Is this the beginning of the end of my marriage? I don’t know.. haven’t thought that much about it. I’m taking it one day at a time.. going with the flow but refusing to manage the damage anymore.
Leese,
I like what you said about how you learned to love them and now you can learn to un-love them. I had to do the same thing with my SD. I did everything I could to have any sort of relationship with her, and for a while I thought I had made progress and I really cared about this girl. I gave her advice, listened to her problems at school with friends, etc. I spent hours searching for just the right gifts, and did all the things I thought I should do. Only to have her trample over me and my feelings. And, looking back the only reason she was ever “nice” to me is because I did all of the above. I was a sucker. When she didn’t get her way she was a raving lunatic.
So I stopped doing for her. No more rides, no more gifts (hubby can pick those out), no more nothing.
And, like you, I feel empowered because I FINALLY feel at home in my OWN HOUSE. And, I finally feel like i have SOME control over what goes on in MY world.
I’m sad for my hubby because it’s come to this, and I know that this has put a strain on our marriage, but I do remind him when it comes to a head every once in a while, that this was HIS problem and HE should have fixed it long before he met me so it didn’t become OUR problem.
It is sooo reassuring to see there are more of us out there.
WSM…. well as a husband, step parent, and bio parent, any man who evades such a task and frankly dumps it on his wife, who is not even the bio parent, is being negligent.
“Deal with it and wake me up if you have any problems”? Sorry, but WTF?
What do you think your husband is avoiding? What is it that he is allergic to about dealing sternly with his kid such that he lets him have free reign and then superficially parent by sending you in as his proxy?
WSM…. I don’t know you or the situation so I do not wish to sound like a know-it-all. Especially about another man’s parenting. Here is how I see it from a distance…. If this is the culture your husband has created, I cannot see how a relatively new-to-the-scene step parent is likely to have a lot of affect on step-son’s behaviour.
It sounds to me like step son has been allowed to do what the hell he wants. And there is no other way that someone who speaks up would look like anything but a wet blanket. Sounds like he has been allowed to have whatever kind of parade he wants so any voices of accountability will sound like rain to him. Even if those voices are wise, sensible and fair.
He may be the envy of his peer group for having a Dad who lets him drink and have girls over. I know in my upbringing, the guy whose Dad let him carry in whatever way he wanted was viewed as the coolest guy around.
Yet fast-forward 30 years and the guy is barely alive and seems to have nothing.
In AA, we have a saying, “Carry the message, not the mess”. Meaning speak your piece but don’t do it for them. You can’t. Focus on being the most sane person amidst chaos. Insulate yourself from any potential negative impacts. Let the consequences be theirs.
Is there a positive and effective way to tell your husband to grow the #@&^ up and be a parent? Sorry if I am overstepping here. Are there any family members or friends of his who can hold him to a higher standard?
I hope there is something helpful in this for you.
Ciao.
Chaz