Exit Strategy
I once had a fight with Prince Charming that was worse than our typical spats. We were yelling at each other and saying things best left unsaid. He eventually got his pillow and said he was sleeping on the couch. I asked him to drive the baby and I to my mom’s house (which was empty at the time) because I wasn’t going to stay someplace I wasn’t wanted. We made up the next day and that was that.
When I started writing this blog, I received tons of comments and emails from other stepparents saying they had a ‘plan’ for getting out if things went south. It made me wonder…do all married people do this or is it simply something that happens in blended families?
How many of you have a plan like this? How detailed is it? What events would ‘trip’ the plan?
For myself, unemployed and carless, I’m sort of in a bind. My plan would take years to put into effect.
Just curious,
The Wicked Stepmother
Yes, I have an exit plan but to be perfectly honest it’s just a little box in my head that I go to when I need to feel like I still have some controll of my life.
Are there times when I want to pack my stuff and go? Absolutely. Have i gotten to my breaking point? Not yet..hopefully never. I take marriage seriously.. I knowyhat it’s hard work and a lot of compromise so while I may WANT to leave I do realize that the love hasn’t left.
The opposite of love isn’t hate.. Because hate is still an emotion.. The opposite is indifference and until I feel indifferent towards my husband I have my little box to hide out in
Excellent distinction – I get mad and frustrated but I love and care about my hubby and my stepkids too (even though it probably doesn’t sound that way!)
My exit strategy is currently non-existence for the most part, although I do think about staying with Mom and dad if needed
I think everyone considers a hypothetical Plan B when things get tough. I don’t have any concrete plans, but I have family I could turn to in a pinch.
When things got really bad with my stepson last year, I went to a hotel one night and put it on our joint credit card. It was just enough to make hubby pull his head out of his ass and make the changes needed to keep our marriage intact. I had no real intention of leaving the marriage…I just needed time and space to think. I ended up calling hubby and he came to the hotel and we talked all night. I think getting hubs out of his natural habitat (home, tv, computer) and communicating with me is what finally made him understand why I was unhappy.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one! I think that if I ever take my first step – which is going to my mom and dad’s winter home down here – it will be a slap in O’s face – I am hoping it won’t come to that though and that what will work is my current strategy – helping the Lad get into school or get a job and when he does neither requesting we follow through on our consequence works.
Good for you for having the courage to do what you did – it sounds like it really made a difference.
It took me leaving overnight 3 times before my wife decided she had an “epiphany”. She is jobless, with no prospects; I have a 40 hr/week job and a 20-30 hr/week lawn business. Up until her “epiphany”, I was expected to cook dinner every night, help with house cleaning and do my share of the laundry. Now that she is finally pulling her weight while unemployed, she thinks she has made me happy. She’s just doing what is expected if you are in her position. She has admitted to being extremely selfish during the first 15 years of our union, and I’m supposed to just wipe it all away like a dry erase board? It isn’t that easy, and quite frankly, I’m not inclined to forgive and forget; not this time. I’m biding my time till the housing avails itself and then I’m going to leave, for good. Too many times she has kicked this dog in the teeth and I’ve had enough. I’m still a husband with needs and if she should figure a way to soothe and wipe the tears from my life from the past 15 years, I might be inclined to stay. 15 years is a long time. Only one caveat: I must accept her pot smoking because that it what makes her livable. I can’t know if I can do that.
Here’s why an exit strategy is important: You don’t ever want to feel like you are STUCK. You want to be there because it’s your choice to be there. If it could be a reality for you get up and walk away, then you will no longer feel trapped. You may (hopefully) never act on it, but it makes you feel more secure.
What an excellent point. I guess for me one of the worse feelings is that trapped feeling – not saying I want to leave or even that I would…just wish I didn’t feel like I don’t have a choice…
I agree wholeheartedly. My stress level has decreased since my plan was conceived and put into place. That’s why I appear to be happier.
HMMM – could be a chapter in the ‘book’
I can relate to Trip’s current situation because that was my previous situation with my first husband… a marriage that lasted 18 years because I believed all the times he said he would “change” so my hope would float up only to have the balloon burst after a short time.
Finally, I had the balls to walk out.. something he never thought I’d do.. and although I tried to make it as easy as possible on him.. there is NO easy when someone chooses to leave a relationship.
That’s why I think in my current marriage, I know deep inside that if I really HAD to go.. I could do it and just the KNOWING makes it easier to separate when I’m being a frustrated wreck or not..
BTW Trip .. I read your sight often from my iPhone.. don’t want to think I forgotten about it!!