Wobbly Parenting v The Cactus Heart
The years between my 9th birthday and my 13th don’t hold a lot of good memories for me. I had twin sisters, six years older than I, that were…difficult to say the least. The worse of the two, L, got in pretty big trouble in high school. Drinking, drugs…the whole gambit. They were both trouble though. Almost too much for my parents to handle. Mom and dad sheltered me from the worst of it, so I still don’t have all the details, but there are a few ‘incidents’ that stick out. When they were 16ish things were really bad. I know there was a problem at school, drugs in our home and more. My parents did what all parents would do – they tried to straighten the girls out. There were therapists and meetings. Groundings. It didn’t work. Eventually, they did the hard thing. The girls were told if they couldn’t abide by the rules of our home they had to go. I remember sitting on the stairs, watching my dad cry as he changed the lock on the front door. I had never seen him cry before. It was hard. It almost killed my parents. It was also the right thing to do.
The ‘experts’ called it tough love – I just called it scary. My parents did something that many of us probably don’t see our spouses do – they parented their kids. No matter how hard it was on them, they knew that cutting my siblings loose would either fix the problem or protect the rest of the family from it.
Since I have started blogging about being a stepparent, I have read countless comments about the excuses bio-parents make for not parenting their children. How many of us have heard something like this: ‘I feel so guilty for leaving him with his mother,’ or ‘I only get to see her every other weekend, let’s not rock the boat?’ When did it become OK to stop being a parent? When did it become OK to excuse bad behavior?
It is strange for us, as stepparents. In many cases (like mine), we have no parenting skills yet. We are dropped, head first, into a situation that requires parenting skills and experience that we simply do not have. We are somehow expected to artfully blend our families, nurture our stepchildren, ignore problems, love our spouses, build our marriages and not have any opinions about parenting.
To be sure, this excuse mongering exists in traditional families as well; it just seems so much more rampant in blended families.
Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation. C. Everett Koop
I won’t lie to you….it was years until my sisters got straightened out. It took a trip to rehab for one and a cross country odyssey for the other, but the foundation my parents laid for them, that there are consequences, allowed them to build themselves back up. Strangely, ‘tough love’ simply became love for them.
What excuses have you heard? Who ‘parents’ in your home? Could you do the tough thing for your kids?
Finding My Backbone,
The Wicked, and Often Wobbly, Stepmother
And what became of your sisters, if I may ask?
Were they miraculously cured thanks to your parents tough love? Or did their path go downward first, but it did not make any headache to your parents any more?
Long road for both of them – and today, one of them isn’t OK – is in a bad situation. That being said, kicking them out of the house gave my parents the strength to demand better treatment by them. The one with the greater problems went to rehab at 17 and was sober for over 10 years. The other came home for a bit, started acting out again and was asked to leave. She did and ended up thousands of miles away, where incidently, we had contacts from the family program at the other ones rehab. They found her, cleaned her up, offered her a place to live and a job as long as she followed their rules – the same rules my parents had. She did all of that and more and now has children and a home of her own.
For some kids tough love is the answer…others not so much.
There’s a lot of fear involved in parenting. You remember what your parents did that you found fault with, and you try really hard not to do THOSE things. Sometimes, you fear making the wrong choices, and that the repercussions of those decisions will fall on your children. To give your dear husband some credit, I’m sure that he’s not a lazy parent, one that doesn’t care one way or another about the outcome, as long as it doesn’t put him out in any way. To me, this is only kind of parenting that I find reprehensible. Otherwise, I can’t find fault with how one person chooses to raise their children. I grew up with kids who I thought were spoiled by their parents, and they turned out fine. I grew up with kids who made all the wrong choices as teenagers, and they, too, seem to be well-balanced adults. But when a child is given free-reign because the parent doesn’t want to be incovenienced, they know it. They have issues about worthiness and self-esteem for the rest of their lives. It’s indeed a fine line we walk as parents, and I don’t think that your opinions have been given proper weight, seeing as how you are now a part of the family, but I can’t chastize your husband for his parenting skills, in the least.
I dislike my hubba’s skills because, in his own words, he is ‘tired of this,’ has ‘dealt with it for too long,’ he ‘can’t change the Lad’s behavior’ and he ‘isn’t interested in fighting with him any more.’
At the end of the day, my hubby has given up. Thankfully, except for one accident where the lad drove off the road, not hurting anyone, and several citations for various things, the Lad hasn’t been in legal trouble. That being said, the longer he believes he is invincible, the longer he believes he can do anything he wants without consequence, the longer we continue to support him with a roof over his head, food and treats the more likely it is that the Lad will learn that working 20 hours a week for BeerPong money is a great way to live. The higher the chance that he will drive after drinking because he never had a problem before. The more likely this 16 year olds mother will take actions that put into motion events we cannot stop.
In someways my parenting is a ‘What if?’ style…but keep in minds the ‘what if’s’ i’m trying to prevent are very, very serious consequences.
As the step-father, I saw the pitfalls of my wife’s parenting skills (she tried to be a friend, not a parent). I tried to talk to her about it and she was afraid that the daughter would leave and move to Seattle (3000+ miles away) with her father, so she was slack on discipline, believed the best about her daughter, and denied the worst. Now that daughter is 20 with a two year old and a 5 month old, no husband, still sponging off us and the state, a high school diploma she went to night school for, and no job, she is a miserable mess. My wife tried to parent her as she got older and it was too late then. I wish she had listened to me about the boyfriends; sleeping over at their houses (with parents purportedly around-right!), letting the boyfriends sleep at our house, etc. Now they are all reaping the harvest of the seeds they’ve sown and the weeds are choking me too.
Both are bi-polar and barely medicated, so you know it’s a boat load of “fun” at my house, which soon will be the bank’s house when the sheriff asks us to leave with the foreclosure paperwork. That coupled with the Chapter 7 because my wife (once again) didn’t listen to me and thought she was above the law, was forced from her job with the threat of prosecution; and my life is such a bowl of cherries. I try to maintain the blended family, though it looks like I may just leave. I can’t take much more of this and I think I’ve overstayed my welcome.
Oh Tripp
I wish I could help you. I’ve been through the foreclosure thing before…it sucks. I am not going to demean you by saying everything will be ok. The only thing I can tell you is that somewhere in you there is a well of strength that will help you get through this. I believe that you have plans for leaving…if it comes to that. If you don’t mind me asking, are you in a position to leave?
I’m starting to think we all need to write a book on this stuff minus the new age crap and make a ton of money so we can all have the ability to take care of ourselves!!
WS – I not only have a plan, but the cash reserves to do so. for a year now, I’ve been funneling $55/week from my paycheck into the company savings plan. I withdraw the entire amount every quarter ($710) and deposit it into an account in my and my dad’s name. [I just typed withdraw and deposit in same sentence and it wasn't sexual or erotic.] I just bought a 94 GMC Suburban and am selling my 98 GMC Sonoma to replace the cash I used. I have over $2k available and another $2k with my divorce lawyer who is on retainer; waiting for my go-ahead.
The blogger at The Erotic Edge and I have often discussed writing about our lives. We ought to all collaborate and write a book for those seeking to enter into a blended family; and like you said, “I’m starting to think we all need to write a book on this stuff minus the new age crap and make a ton of money so we can all have the ability to take care of ourselves!!”
I’d love to consider this in the future. I think we could make a ton of money from it; maybe like Erma Bombeck and her Cherries/Pits book.
see – I totally think this is a good idea – all of the steparents that comment here have funny stories about terrible issues. Learning how to be a stepparent 101 or the things you don’t consider about being a stepparent.
It is so hard and all of the books I’ve read are full of advice like “become inward thinking.” Inward thinking? I don’t think so…
As far as Erma goes…my family used to call me ‘little Erma’ lol – and to make things funnier, I bought one of her relatives home without knowing it!
Smart to have that plan – and good that you put enough thought into what to do ‘in case.’
how, pray tell, would you use ‘deposit’ in a sexual manner? LOL
trip x:
I think being bi-polar poses its own challenges to parenting. (especially some kind of being unreliable, which is very bad for children, it sometimes even leads to outright neglect).
So I suppose it is not only about “parenting style” and “wanting too much to be your daughter’s friend”, come on…
Sensible solution for teens having sex and not getting pregnant is contraception. Was your stepdaughter taught about contraception? Was it made available to her?
Anne
have you ever heard the old saying ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink?’
We can provide our kids with the tools they need to be safe and sucessful – including access to birthcontrol – but we cannot make them use these tools.
anne,
Daughter was on the pill, but my doubts lie in the fact that she is so irresponsible and probably failed to take it at the same time every day. She’s been on synthroid since 12 years old for Hashimoto’s (auto-immune disease where her white cells attacked and killed some of her thyroid). Even with the threat of hospitalization and possible death if she didn’t take that medication every day, she still skipped entire months before taking pills for about a week. My wife failed to monitor her pill intake and when she asked daughter if she took her pill, she said, “Yes.” I took a different approach if I saw some initial symptoms; I noted when the script was filled and then counted the pills in the bottle and Voila! called her out on her bullshit! Wife learned a lesson that day. The second child was conceived while on birth control pill too, but if it was possible the first time, she should have demanded that he WRAP IT UP every time afterwards!
I have another theory too, and my wife is beginning to confirm it over time and conversation: I have Klinefelter’s Syndrome and can’t have children (I was born sterile.) Wife and I tried IVF with a sperm donor. It failed and she couldn’t bear to try again. Turns out her endometriosis and scarred uterus were another factor. She longed to have a baby with me and saw her daughter as a sick sort of surrogate for her own demented desire.Now she has babies around the house and she is in heaven. I’m in hell. The wife told me just two nights ago: “I wish we could have had children together. But at least we have grandchildren now.”
Tripp – it amazes me that the mom may have inadvertantly supported her daughter having kids…
You see that time and time again – parents living through their children. Finding that line where you support your children and their dreams without impossing your own must be hard. Hell, I find myself flirting with it already and mine is only 2!
I was taken aback the first time my step-mother suggested it to me, but I’ve heard it more and more from those inside and outside of the family. It is ghastly in my opinion, and crudely manipulative. Yes, I said step-mom. She is the greatest. We’ve had our differences of opinion, but she loves us all. My dad had three boys, she had one boy, and together they had two more. I’m the oldest. She was given free reign by my dad to discipline us and he had authority over her boy. I was 15 when they married, next two were: 13 and 8, hers was 7. The next two came when I was 16, and then 19, but I was already in the navy then. They had problems just after I left for boot camp, but sought help from a counselor. It got ironed out and then was tested when they discovered stolen items from local businesses in their shed and her boy was the culprit. They jointly confronted him and made him call the police to turn himself in.
Even when my opinionated SM and I are not talking due to her feelings being hurt, she is quietly, behind the scenes, asking my dad, “Have you heard from T lately? You ought to call him.” She loves us all and it is one blended family that worked, and is an example to me, even if my wife can’t stand her.
Deposit…hmm. LOL!! Perhaps the depth of deposit……
You all know my mind resides in the gutter! I really don’t need any encouragement.
The gutter is getting crowded, Trip!! LOL!!
I really think TOUGH LOVE applies more to the parent then the child because I’ve seen first hand the guilt and sorrow that comes from finally having to do what was previously unimaginable is..
With that said.. a parent can not be a friend. You can be close.. share.. and the whatnot but your walking a dangerous rope if you think that being a friend is better then being a parent.
I know.
I live it with my oldest stepson.
And the thing is.. especially with my husband.. is that I truly believes he’s delusioned himself into thinking that our family is “normal” .. but believe me, I’m no freakin’ Donna Reed here and it’s not the 1950′s.
Having the childhood that he had, I think he just wanted to have something normal which caused him to make ALL KINDS of bad decisions ( impregnating and marrying the Crack Whore for one) .. and now I think he’s feels like he’s in a tangled web that he can’t get out of so he wishes it away.
I have the same understanding of the concept of Tough Love. My parents making those stands was tough on them. Heck – the girls even had fun the first few days.
I get that delusional thing as well – my hubby and his ex wife honestly don’t see the same things I do. Talked to Mrs. X today (unrelated matter) and she launched into this big speech about how the Lad isn’t drinking as much..HELLO!! I keep a pretty close eye on that – his probably doing 2 fifths of whisky a week and 24 beers or so…not drinking? Lol
Maybe it is that rose colored glasses thing…
BTW,,,
Count me in for the book!!
You can keep my cut low.. I only need a new sheet set, comforter and pajamas!!
LOL!
You are in like Flynn my girl!
and I need new sheet too!
Great blog….
My main frustration is not that my husband doesn’t parent and leaves it to me, but that he parents her soooo differently than I do my girls. I ask questions (huh….what a novel way to get information!) and he just assumes since she said that’s what she’s gonna do, it’s gospel. Makes me wonder if we was ever a teenager himself….hellllooooo!?! They make crap up to get their way! Doh.
I’ve caught her in so many manipulative sentances. She never does anything horrible, per se, just says she already has a plan for how to get there, where shes going, when she’ll be back and how she’ll get back — when in reality she DOES NOT and we have to drop everything to follow through with her plans. SORRY. Doesn’t work that way with me. I try to think just slightly past the nose on my face (heavy sarcasm) and make sure that my girls do as well. My life DOES NOT revolve around any teenager social lives!!!
Sorry. Just needed to get all that out. I feel better.
My kids are NOT perfect….difference is I know that about them and hubs has no clue that his daughter isn’t either.
We both are good parents. We both care and are not their friends. We just have different ideas about how to do things, priorities and “levels” of “naughtiness”. He lets things go until he explodes, I nip in the butt as soon as possible. It’s exhausting. I love my hubs, though, so no exit plan for me. I signed up for this mess of a life and will deal with it as it comes. Been divorced before and REFUSE to do it again. We all have a breaking point, a line in the sand, a drop dead zone….I just pray I never got to that place!
Seriously. Great blog. I’ll be back and THANK YOU for allowing me to vent. I try not to complain but have my days like everyone else…..and today was my day to B.I.T.$.#!!!
:0)
Welcome aboard the Stepmother Venting Train!
Seriously, I have figured out how hard this is, not just for me but for a lot of step moms. We need a place to yell, scream, cry…Feel free to vent or comment any time!
I get what you mean about different parenting styles. My little guy is only 2, but I already have firm ideas about chores, lying, ‘treats’ all that stuff. Luckily for me hubba has seen what a lack of structure did for his other kids and is on board with this one.
Love to hear more about your story! If you ever feel the need, you are welcome to guest blog here (especially useful if you are trying to stay anonymous (or however you spell that).
Great to Meet You!